Into the deep

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Into the deep….these three simple words fill me with excitement and fear all at once.

I grew up in a home where there were many challenges. My parents did the best they could with what they had but because of some of the challenges in our home I was forced to grow up quicker and have much more responsibility  than a child should have. Because of these challenges I wasn’t able to learn how to be a friend and have friendships on a life long deep level. I knew many people but felt very much alone. I didn’t know what it meant to be there for someone like Jesus tells us we should.

I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers and as each of us left home we scattered all across the country. My brother, David, moved to CA and seemed to be doing well-he loved music, writing and playing his guitar and had a pretty good job in Silicon Valley. On Fathers Day, in 1978, when David was just 25 years old I got a call from my mom that he had taken his life. None of us saw it coming but listening to songs he wrote and recorded on cassette, after his death, it was obvious there was something seriously wrong. I wish I had heard those songs, I wish I lived closer to him, I wished I had said “I love you Davy” one more time. After his death I remember hearing several of his friends say that my brother had called them to hang out that night but they didn’t have time. There are many “what it’s” but we will never know.

At the time, I was not going to church, I didn’t have any friends where I lived and I was lost. I couldn’t listen to music-it reminded me of Davy. I just sort of moved through days. I vowed, though, that if anyone ever called me and needed to talk or for me to hang out that I would never say no. I didn’t really have any friends so this opportunity didn’t happen. I didn’t have any friends, I lived a very isolated life with my ex husband so nothing ever really happened with that desire to be a friend in hard times.

In the time since I’ve had one child from my first marriage, that won’t talk to me due to choices I made when she was a child, lived through and by the grace of God, over come addiction, 2 divorces, received Jesus as my Lord and Savior, married an awesome man that I love sharing life with, gotten involved with Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study and grown an amazing relationship with Jesus Christ. I still struggle with friendships, I know a lot of people but there is a little voice that constantly says “They like you but you’re not good enough to be their BFF” I know that is a lie from the devil. I know it births from the fact that I have never learned how to be a friend. I’ve not learned to trust someone with my deepest thoughts but I am realizing that others trust me with their deepest thoughts. I have recently been able to help a friend who is going through cancer but even with that I know in my heart I should be doing more, but yet I don’t. I have comfort in knowing that she knows Jesus and trusts God has a plan for her and I am grateful to be able to be a part of His plan in her life.

I say all this because God in His infinite wisdom and I must say humor keeps putting women in my path that need more than I feel comfortable giving, some have deep problems I know God can heal but I was never discipled as a new Christian so knowing how to do that for another is challenging. Surprisingly, I am realizing lately that I know much more than I give myself credit. I have tucked His word into my heart and the Holy Spirit brings it to mind at just the right moment.  These women that come to me do so, I hope, not because they see me but because they see His light shining through me. They don’t know that it’s the Light of Christ drawing them to the peace they see in me, that peace that comes from Him. I want to learn how to share Jesus with grace, mercy and love instead of just wanting to shake them and say “Just grab Jesus-He’s the answer to ALL your problems”.

So, I, a girl who was a very “so so”student, who is so fearful of failing that I don’t even try new things , will be walking into the deep. I am seeking God’s direction. I know he has called me to write but he is calling me to do more. I’m not sure where the path will lead but I do know it will be way out of my comfort zone but that’s ok. Jesus will be walking right next to me-he will never leave me nor will he ever forsake me. He has plans for me and those plans require me to walk into the deep, trust, obey and follow Him with complete abandon.

Scary, a little bit but extremely exciting too.  Do you find yourself sticking to the safety zone or are you willing to walk into the deep?

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says:

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I’m seeking Him with all my heart and yes doing some questioning. The main question being “seriously, you want me to do that?” I had to chuckle this morning reading Bible Gateways verse for the day. God is always on time!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

He has plans for me, plans much bigger than I can imagine He’s there with out stretched hand waiting for me to walk into the deep. I’m stepping into the deep and grabbing the hand that will lead, equip and guide me.

 

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