I haven’t written a post for months. I can’t completely explain why except to say I’m in a waiting period. Waiting for what you might ask-I’m not sure so my best answer is that I’m in a waiting period-waiting for direction from God.
Psalm 27:14 says:
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
So wait I do. I have been waiting for many things in my life-writing-de cluttering-Christmas decorating and moving forward.
I love Christmas decorations. I love the lights and everything about living in a small town at Christmas. Yet, I’ve not been able to do any of my own decoration. Frozen, not moving forward. WHY?? In my quiet time I was thinking about the last Christmas I spent with my daughter back in 2008-she invited us-she wanted us to be there yet she has not spoken to me since Aug 2009 because of things that happened when she was a child. She suffered fallout from the sins I walked in. When repressed memories affected her health in 2009 she decided having me out of her life was easier than working through the hard things to heal our relationship. Words were said and received, on both our sides, through the filter of hurting hearts. Hurting hearts are not capable of hearing another’s voice, hurting hearts hurt others and want to hide behind a wall.
For over six years I have taken the full burden of this separation-full of guilt, remorse and until not long ago fully lacking grace. Guilt over things I can’t change. What God told me in my quiet time this morning is that I have no part in this separation. Yes, I made some really bad choices when she was young but I am not that person anymore. I am a new creation in Christ that has been forgiven. I would not make those same choices today. She has created this separation, she chooses to continue it and I have made numerous efforts to build a bridge of reconciliation.
My efforts to build a bridge have been to no avail-the burden of this separation rests on my daughter, that may sound harsh but she is the one choosing to keep the wall up between us, she is the one with unforgiveness in her heart, she is the one who chooses to live in the pain of the past rather than see the good that came out of that pain.
There are many times God took what was meant for evil to bring good (Gen 50:20)
- Yes I asked her dad to move out and in his place moved in a crazy man but her dad met and married and amazing women who was able to be her role model during times I was not able.
- Yes, she lost her scholarships to George Washington University due to PTSD but when she moved to Memphis to continue her education she met her wonderful husband.
- Yes I’ve messed up more in my life then I care to list but when she messed up she would call me instead of her dad because, as she once told me, “I knew I could call you because you’ve messed up things but pulled yourself out. Dad expects perfection.”
I could go on and on but I think you get the idea. Do these silver linings to otherwise very dark clouds in any way negate my choices that I had made. Absolutely not, but condemning for a lifetime when there were many happy moments too is sad.
What God revealed to me this morning in my quiet time is that yes, I made poor choices but I am loved unconditionally and forgiven. He loves me and wants relationship with me. That’s what unconditional love does, forgives and helps us grow through our choices and conflicts without fear of rejection.
My mom made some choices when I was young that affected me and I’m fairly certain all of my siblings BUT the thought of not having a relationship with her has never crossed my mind. My mom, through her actions, taught me uncontional love on a level I’ve not seen in many. Her unconditional love of one person, my dad, gravely affected all of us. The only way I can explain why I continue loving and having my mom in my life is that I know she loves me and I know she made the best choices she was capable of at the time. I know she suffers guilt over her choices and it deeply hurts her that I’m not her only child that has a child that has cut ties with their mom. I also know that I have also hurt my mom, through words and actions, yet she still loves me. This unconditional love goes both ways.
I think my biggest failure with my daughter is not the poor choices I made that affected her but that I didn’t teach her unconditional love. When she was young her Dad and his brother had a disagreement and stopped speaking with each other. He treated his brother, and his family, like they never existed, she was appalled and felt torn because she wanted a relationship with them YET she feared rejection from her father if he found out she still had them in her life. She has done the very same thing to me. Love works through hard things, love is patient, love is kind. Love is the missing factor.
This is my biggest failure. Yet, I love and forgive her unconditionally and look forward to the day she decides that unconditional love works through hard things and having me in her life is worth working through those hard things.
Until that happens, at least for today, I’m going to go pull out some Christmas decorations and walk in Gods unconditional love and grace. Yes, still waiting but waiting doesn’t necessarily mean sitting frozen in time, it is doing the next right thing one day at a time until such a time that the waiting is over.
Isaiah 40:31 gives me hope in the waiting because my hope lies in him.
“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.”
Are you feeling weary today? Know that you are unconditionally loved and you are not alone. HE is right there with you every step of the way.